Square One

Not sure really where to begin, but here goes…

In the fall I did my last IVF hurrah.  IVF#5.  I threw EVERYTHING into it and resolved to question every one of my doctor’s decisions.   I recorded every follicle measurement and hormone level.  A few hours before I was supposed to trigger, I called the RE in an impassioned state and asked her to make sure, like REALLY sure, that our timings were spot on– and she noticed THREE errors related to our trigger/retrieval protocol, which she corrected, thank heavens.

After all that, we got 8 eggs, and only 1 fertilized.  We decided not to risk traumatizing it by doing PGD so we transferred a really beautiful embryo, the most beautiful we have ever produced, really early on Day 3.

Alas, no baby.  We left no stone unturned, and there were no babies under any stones.

The RE said that my egg quality is so poor that, from now on, our results will just continue to get worse.  “You have the eggs of a 43-year-old,” she said off-handedly.

In some ways, I feel we’re back to Square One.  (Loved that TV show as a kid.  Mathnet rocked!)  Have 4+ years of TTC been wasted?  Maybe, maybe not.

And where ARE we now?  Gathering information.  Deciding whether to adopt or to choose an egg donor.  On the egg donation front, I’ve been browsing the profiles of egg donors on several different websites, feeling guilty for dismissing perfectly nice girls because their noses are too big, or because they have the wrong color eyes, or because they lack something else similarly superficial that suddenly becomes embarrassingly important.

On the adoption front, I called the state adoption office today and talked with a very nice, smart lady who explained the process of adoption from foster care.  I know we can adopt infants or international children too, but right now I feel a pull towards foster kids, probably because their photos/pictures/videos are posted online and I can actually see some of those kids fitting into our lives.  Kyle feels a pull toward international.

My feelings are definitely mixed about all this.  As I heard recently on a TED talk about making decisions, THERE IS NO PERFECT DECISION.  I look forward to getting past this scary decision-making part so that we can welcome a child, of any variety, into our family.

❤ -H