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Schrodinger’s Baby Lives!

Last week, I was completely unprepared for what we saw on the ultrasound.

It was an actual baby. Measuring perfectly for 6 weeks. With a heartbeat of 123. The tech even caught the sac via the abdominal ultrasound before she used the dildocam. I try not to take the Lord’s name in vain, but in the exam room, I did… three times.

The heartbeat was probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, even more beautiful than the one I saw at 8 weeks with my first pregnancy. It sounds cheesy, I know, but this time around, it was delicate, lovely and all the more magical because of our long struggle.

The radiologist chatted with me a little while he interpreted the results. “Are you a medical professional?” he asked. “You sound very knowledgeable.”

No, I’ve just been doing this for a really f*cking long time.

The RE said this pregnancy could not look any better, but that with my history I simply cannot bond with it. I’m still at a high risk for miscarriage and this could be the pregnancy that I’ll have to terminate for Fragile X. I should take my prenatals and avoid eating all those things you’re not supposed to eat, but otherwise pretend I’m not pregnant. And she instructed me to stop humanizing the baby by calling it Schrodinger. That is kind of funny to me… I have to wonder if she knew the reference.

“Don’t tell people about your pregnancy,” she advised, “because talking is a huge emotional drain. And no one needs to know that you might have to terminate.” It was interesting to hear her say that, because I had come to that same conclusion last summer, which is what led me to blogging.

The nurses made me mad this time. They were quick to congratulate me after my second beta, excitedly saying, “It’s a good day!” Then when my third beta didn’t rise much, they were SURE the baby had died and said to expect bleeding in the next two days. (There is still no explanation for the slow rise.) I wish they would’ve just given me the facts without editorializing, because it’s hard to stay even-keeled when a nurse is super excited or crying in sympathy, whichever the case may be.

The next step is the 8 week ultrasound, which will be Mon the 24th. This will be a pretty important test; they want to see 2 weeks’ worth of growth. I go back and forth on pregnancy symptoms. My bb’s and nipples hurt like a SOAB, I chomp on prunes for constipation, I take two hour naps in the middle of the day, and I cry like a baby at The Bachelor even though I think he’s a dumb*ss homophobe and Sharleen was smart to leave. Then suddenly I feel no symptoms and I’m 100% convinced I’ve lost the baby.

So, we wait. ❤

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My Bathroom Trash is Full of HPTs

[Warning: Graphic Content]

I think I *was* bitten a few days ago, because yesterday I think I had an implantation bleed.

Since it takes a while for the blood to trickle down the cervix, I’ll bet the bleed would have started a day or two later if Kyle and I hadn’t been lubing up for sex. Kyle is very large and I’m a bit hormone-deficient, so thorough lubrication inside and out is 100% necessary. I usually hate having sex during my period, but I figured this was just light implantation spotting, so I was fine with it. Besides, we were cheered up by the thought that I could be pregnant, and therefore more inclined to have sex. Is that creepy? (Kyle is never bothered by menses, which always perplexes me since he’s both visual and squeamish. But no, he’s just always happy to have sex.)

Anyway, from what I’ve read,

implantation occurs 9-16 dpo
implantation bleed happens 6-14 days after implantation (if at all)
blood tests will show hcg 2-3 days after implantation
early response home pregnancy tests pick it up 3-4 days after the blood tests do.

So, I still have a few days before I’m not TOTALLY WASTING MY MONEY ON HPTs. The hpt manufacturers say you can test up to 6 days before the date of your missed period, which really means 5 days before your EXPECTED period. But they don’t actually mean MY expected period. No, they’re talking about an imaginary perfect 28-day cycle with ovulation exactly on day 14. My cycles are 25 days, so according to their assertions, I could have tested positive last Wed. But that’s impossible because that was implantation day.

Does this stop me from peeing on a stick EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes twice? Take a guess.