This weekend I had one of those moments when the grief sneaks up and smacks you like a wave.
It happened at the end of our orchestra concert. The opera singer was taking her first curtain call and we were all politely smiling and tapping our bows on the stand to applaud her as we violists always do. 🙂
Suddenly, in my peripheral vision, there was a flash of white moving through the orchestra. I looked up and saw a precious little girl holding a bouquet of flowers. She couldn’t have been much more than four years old. Her long, wavy auburn hair tumbled down her shoulders over her white dress. She walked very seriously and intently toward the singer to present the bouquet.
The instant I caught sight of her, I gasped. She looked so angelic that when I replay the scene in my mind, she glows.
Five seconds later the tears came streaming down my face. The conductor launched straight into the Star Wars encore while the soprano and little girl carefully exited the stage hand-in-hand.
It was hard to keep playing. I swatted at the tears like flies and hoped that my stifled sobs might look like hiccups to the audience. For the most part I didn’t want anyone to see me crying, but I’ll admit, there was a little part of me that wanted someone to ask me what’s wrong. (No one did.)
Just when I think I’ve made peace with my situation, something like this pops up.
Sunday/early Monday’s spotting was very dark brown, which supported my theory that it was implantation bleeding. Plus, it was a little earlier than my period usually arrives, which is what happened with my last pregnancy/miscarriage. But the bleeding picked up and got bright red like a normal period. The multitude of HPTs have all been negative.
It’s time to accept it: I’m still not pregnant.
I’m mad at myself for getting my hopes up and embarrassed about thinking I could’ve felt implantation.
At the same time, I’ll still imagine I was pregnant for a couple of days before my body washed it out. Maybe my body knew that this child wouldn’t be healthy and nipped it in the bud. But how many unhealthy embryos must we conceive before a healthy one takes? Including the IVF cycles, we’re talking about 30-ish embryos that either had Fragile X or just didn’t live.
The image of a hamster wheel comes to mind. With every step comes the hope that maybe this time you’ll get a little closer to your destination, only to find that you haven’t moved at all. Not even a smidgen. No matter how many steps you take or how fast you take them, you only succeed in making yourself tired.
So, the cycle has begun again as of yesterday. Maybe this will be the month.
I think I *was* bitten a few days ago, because yesterday I think I had an implantation bleed.
Since it takes a while for the blood to trickle down the cervix, I’ll bet the bleed would have started a day or two later if Kyle and I hadn’t been lubing up for sex. Kyle is very large and I’m a bit hormone-deficient, so thorough lubrication inside and out is 100% necessary. I usually hate having sex during my period, but I figured this was just light implantation spotting, so I was fine with it. Besides, we were cheered up by the thought that I could be pregnant, and therefore more inclined to have sex. Is that creepy? (Kyle is never bothered by menses, which always perplexes me since he’s both visual and squeamish. But no, he’s just always happy to have sex.)
Anyway, from what I’ve read,
implantation occurs 9-16 dpo
implantation bleed happens 6-14 days after implantation (if at all)
blood tests will show hcg 2-3 days after implantation
early response home pregnancy tests pick it up 3-4 days after the blood tests do.
So, I still have a few days before I’m not TOTALLY WASTING MY MONEY ON HPTs. The hpt manufacturers say you can test up to 6 days before the date of your missed period, which really means 5 days before your EXPECTED period. But they don’t actually mean MY expected period. No, they’re talking about an imaginary perfect 28-day cycle with ovulation exactly on day 14. My cycles are 25 days, so according to their assertions, I could have tested positive last Wed. But that’s impossible because that was implantation day.
Does this stop me from peeing on a stick EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes twice? Take a guess.
This is going to sound crazy, and it probably IS crazy, but I’m going to say it anyway: I am pretty sure I felt implantation last night. It felt like something bit me on the inside of my uterus, relatively near my left ovary. There was some mild cramping in that same spot for a couple hours. The timing would be pretty on-target based on my ovulation date.
Do not congratulate me. I’m serious, don’t. I know that the IVF crowd wishes they could feel some implantation, and believe me I feel terribly guilty about that. But I would rather have condolences right now. Sadness and dread are weighing heavily on my heart.
Here’s why: Fragile X, my evil genetic mutation. There is a really high probability that if I do have an embryo in there, it will die. My egg quality isn’t great to start with, so even if I have a non-Fragile X embryo in there, my chances of a successful pregnancy are already lowered. If the embryo does have Fragile X, it will either die of natural causes (as it did with my 2 miscarriages), or if it lives long enough for us to do CVS at 11 weeks, it will die because we choose not to allow it to live with Fragile X. The thought of having to make that decision and live with it makes me nauseous.
It’s so ridiculous, already mourning a loss of something I don’t even know I have yet. Fragile X continues to suck significant amounts of joy out of my life. I miss pregnancy naiveté.