Get Me Off This Hamster Wheel

Sigh.

Sunday/early Monday’s spotting was very dark brown, which supported my theory that it was implantation bleeding. Plus, it was a little earlier than my period usually arrives, which is what happened with my last pregnancy/miscarriage. But the bleeding picked up and got bright red like a normal period. The multitude of HPTs have all been negative.

It’s time to accept it: I’m still not pregnant.

I’m mad at myself for getting my hopes up and embarrassed about thinking I could’ve felt implantation.

At the same time, I’ll still imagine I was pregnant for a couple of days before my body washed it out. Maybe my body knew that this child wouldn’t be healthy and nipped it in the bud. But how many unhealthy embryos must we conceive before a healthy one takes? Including the IVF cycles, we’re talking about 30-ish embryos that either had Fragile X or just didn’t live.

The image of a hamster wheel comes to mind. With every step comes the hope that maybe this time you’ll get a little closer to your destination, only to find that you haven’t moved at all. Not even a smidgen. No matter how many steps you take or how fast you take them, you only succeed in making yourself tired.

So, the cycle has begun again as of yesterday. Maybe this will be the month.

My Bathroom Trash is Full of HPTs

[Warning: Graphic Content]

I think I *was* bitten a few days ago, because yesterday I think I had an implantation bleed.

Since it takes a while for the blood to trickle down the cervix, I’ll bet the bleed would have started a day or two later if Kyle and I hadn’t been lubing up for sex. Kyle is very large and I’m a bit hormone-deficient, so thorough lubrication inside and out is 100% necessary. I usually hate having sex during my period, but I figured this was just light implantation spotting, so I was fine with it. Besides, we were cheered up by the thought that I could be pregnant, and therefore more inclined to have sex. Is that creepy? (Kyle is never bothered by menses, which always perplexes me since he’s both visual and squeamish. But no, he’s just always happy to have sex.)

Anyway, from what I’ve read,

implantation occurs 9-16 dpo
implantation bleed happens 6-14 days after implantation (if at all)
blood tests will show hcg 2-3 days after implantation
early response home pregnancy tests pick it up 3-4 days after the blood tests do.

So, I still have a few days before I’m not TOTALLY WASTING MY MONEY ON HPTs. The hpt manufacturers say you can test up to 6 days before the date of your missed period, which really means 5 days before your EXPECTED period. But they don’t actually mean MY expected period. No, they’re talking about an imaginary perfect 28-day cycle with ovulation exactly on day 14. My cycles are 25 days, so according to their assertions, I could have tested positive last Wed. But that’s impossible because that was implantation day.

Does this stop me from peeing on a stick EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes twice? Take a guess.