This is going to sound crazy, and it probably IS crazy, but I’m going to say it anyway: I am pretty sure I felt implantation last night. It felt like something bit me on the inside of my uterus, relatively near my left ovary. There was some mild cramping in that same spot for a couple hours. The timing would be pretty on-target based on my ovulation date.
Do not congratulate me. I’m serious, don’t. I know that the IVF crowd wishes they could feel some implantation, and believe me I feel terribly guilty about that. But I would rather have condolences right now. Sadness and dread are weighing heavily on my heart.
Here’s why: Fragile X, my evil genetic mutation. There is a really high probability that if I do have an embryo in there, it will die. My egg quality isn’t great to start with, so even if I have a non-Fragile X embryo in there, my chances of a successful pregnancy are already lowered. If the embryo does have Fragile X, it will either die of natural causes (as it did with my 2 miscarriages), or if it lives long enough for us to do CVS at 11 weeks, it will die because we choose not to allow it to live with Fragile X. The thought of having to make that decision and live with it makes me nauseous.
It’s so ridiculous, already mourning a loss of something I don’t even know I have yet. Fragile X continues to suck significant amounts of joy out of my life. I miss pregnancy naiveté.