Moving Forward (Not Moving On!)

During my first IVF cycle, I decided that my child’s baby book should TOTALLY have a photo of all those empty vials of medicine.  “Look at what we went through to have you,” I imagined us saying.  Of course I also fantasized that there would be little to no reaction from our young ‘un, and that, years later, we’d be lucky just to get an eye roll from our teen.  But when my adult child was having children -our grandchildren, think of that!- THAT’s when our effort would be truly appreciated.  Maybe they’d even say, “Wow, Mom, I can’t believe how barbaric the reproductive technology was back then!  Now we use hyposprays!  Medicine has come such a long way!”

When the first cycle failed and we started our second one, I thought, “This is going to be such a GREAT picture!  So dramatic!”  And I kept saving all those little bottles and pens.

During the third cycle, I went to the Dollar Store and bought special Tupperware for all the vials.  The fourth cycle filled ’em all to the brim.  This photo was getting expensive.  And f*cking annoying.

Containers of empty medicine bottles stayed on my bathroom shelf for two years.  Every time I sat on the toilet, four failed IVF cycles glared back at me, directly at eye level.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I realized that I’ve passed the point where a photo is impressive or funny; it is now depressing.  Looking at the vials is depressing.  Waiting to take the photo is depressing.  Wondering what our guests must think is depressing.

I thought of moving them to the garage, but I knew they’d be there, lurking in a dark corner, waiting to jump out and surprise me at any moment.

So I chucked ’em.  Didn’t even recycle (gasp).  Except for the Gonal-F pens; they still have a little medication inside, so they’ll go to Town Hall for unused medication collection.

Call me a masochist, but I couldn’t help counting everything first.  I used little hatch marks on two pages of a mini memo pad, which took me 1/2 hour.  Every container seemed like it just HAD to be the last one.  I sat on the floor in the exact spot of my first miscarriage in 2011.

Here’s my list:

  • 4 HCG trigger shots
  • 4 Bacteriostatic water
  • 12 bottles Cetrotide
  • 1 multidose Progesterone-in-Oil
  • 1 multidose Lupron
  • 11 boxes of Ganarelix
  • 2 bottles Methylprednisone
  • 2 bottles Doxycycline
  • 2 bottles Estrace
  • 58 bottles of Sodium Chloride
  • TWO HUNDRED bottles of Menopur
  • 19 Gonal-F pens (a.k.a. Liquid Gold)
  • 4 filled sharps containers (to be brought to Medical Sharps Collection Day next week)
  • (That disgusting Crinone stuff was never on my radar because I coudn’t wait to forget about it.)

Already a great weight has been lifted off my heart.  Next Monday when the trash truck rolls through, I’ll wave good riddance to my previous failures.

I’m moving forward to the next part of our plan, which is an IVF cycle WITHOUT the embryo-killing PGD.  My new health insurance kicks in today.  AF had better get here soon so we can get this show on the road!  ❤

—AND—

A great big THANK YOU goes to The Stirrup Queen for including my blog in her index of fertility blogs, which you can find here:

The Stirrup Queen’s Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer

You can ask to have your blog added, too, or you can go to the Lost & Found section where you can simply give support to someone who needs it.  (I’ll be posting her website address more prominently on my blog.)

 

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5 thoughts on “Moving Forward (Not Moving On!)

  1. Good for you lady! Yep, I totally wanted that dramatic moment of “look what we went through” too and, like you, finally said screw it. It lifts a weight and we need to be as weightless as possible to survive this journey. It releases something to let it go like that. Buh bye. Hugs!

  2. For some reason, this post made me cry. I am so sorry that you have gone through 4 cycles, so sorry. But I am proud of you for getting rid of everything – putting it behind you and moving forward. Much love to you.

  3. That is a lot of Menopur. Whew. I’m so sorry you went through all of these cycles and still don’t have a baby to show for it. But I agree that getting rid of all the empty vials sounds liberating. We took our sharps container from IVF#1 to the pharmacy before embarking on our FET. Sometimes a fresh start can make you feel better, even though the memories of everything that happened will of course stay with you.
    Fingers crossed for the new cycle!

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