Today’s ultrasound should’ve shown an 8 week baby with a heartbeat. Instead, we saw a 7.5 week baby with no heartbeat. Schrodinger’s baby is dead.
Before the appointment, we had been so careful to guard our emotions, but in the exam room, K couldn’t hide his excitement. Seeing him like that made me want to shield him from experiencing any pain or sadness. I, on the other hand, was expecting the worst. When the scan started, we could both tell right away that there was no heartbeat.
This sad news comes right on the heels of AMAZING news we got this week. According to a brand new Fragile X blood test by Assuragen, the risk of my specific Fragile X Premutation expanding into a Full Mutation is LESS THAN 1%! This makes us feel a whole lot better about conceiving naturally, because now our chances of needing to terminate for full-blown Fragile X are very minimal. If we’d known, we wouldn’t have bothered with PGD.
Unfortunately, this wonderful genetic news unearths new questions about why the frackety fracking frack I’ve had 3 pregnancy losses. If not Fragile X, then what? Well, today our RE reminded us that Fragile X prematurely depletes a Carrier’s ovarian reserve, so my eggs are crap. “Your healthy 36-year-old body has the eggs of a 43-year-old,” she said. My decrepit ovaries are probably producing embryos with a host of OTHER chromosomal/developmental problems besides Fragile X.
We have a D&E scheduled for tomorrow. They will test the baby for chromosomal abnormalities. Meanwhile, I have to hold it together for a quartet concert tonight (“the show must go on”). Thank you so much, dear readers, for your support. ❤
Fragile Haven 
Awe! Praying for you girl
Thanks so much. It makes me feel better to know there are people like you out there pulling for me!
Oh for sure!! I don’t just say it either… I literally do stop everything and pray.
Thanks so much, Elisha, that means a lot to me.
I’m so sorry. Sending hugs and love.
Thanks so much. hugs back at you!
Saying a prayer now for you and your husband… for comfort and strength during this time.
Thank you, Logan, that means a lot to me. Best wishes to you.
Hey lady, I don’t think it’s possible to shield from disappointment, but at least you can take the “surprise” element out of the equation. I’m quite disappointed for you 😦 *hugs* XO
Thanks, MLACS. That’s very insightful… you’re right, eliminating the “surprise” is pretty much the only thing I can do. *hugs* back at you!
I’m so sorry to hear this about the baby 😦 But I am hopeful for you and your good news. Take care of yourself, I’ll keep you in my thoughts
Thank you so much, Alexis. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!
My heart breaks for you.. I have been following your story, which was a lot like my third loss. We were told the odds were against us, then we saw a baby with a beautiful heartbeat. You can’t help but feel like for some reason it’s a miracle and no matter how much protecting you do..you can’t help but hope. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. Hugs.
I shared this post.. I hope you don’t mind. Thinking of you.
Thank you. Sorry you have to go through all this, too. It’s true, even though I was expecting the worst, I just couldn’t help thinking that *maybe* this would be the one. After all, we EARNED this one!
You’re welcome and it’s not a good place to be. You’re right.. you did ear this one! You just have to wonder.. how much more hurt?
Reblogged this on A Calm Persistence and commented:
I’m sharing this blog to give her a few followers for more support. You guys have come through in the past when a women needs some support, so I thought I’d share her story too. This is such a difficult journey.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you very much.
There are no words to express how sorry I am for you and your husbands loss. Big virtual hugs.
Thank you so much. Good luck with your IVF cycle! Fingers crossed for you.
I came here through A Calm Persistence. I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I just lifted you in prayers just now. Know that I will continue to do so.
Thank you for your condolences and your prayers. So sorry to hear about your TTC journey, too.
Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for you. I know this pain all too well and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Sending you many hugs. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make this any better, but know you’re not alone and we are all here to support you through this difficult time. XXXXXX
Thanks so much. Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Dashed hopes are the worst, even if you were trying not to have the hopes. The ups and downs are so, so hard.
Thanks. So sorry to hear of your recent miscarriage. Hoping we both have good news very soon.
Sending virtual hugs your way! The hardest part of this for me is the “unexplained” part. Very hard to understand sometimes. Stay strong, we are here for you!
Thanks so much! Love the quote you posted about chaos!
Thanks! Once I saw that quote I couldn’t get the words out of my head…
Aw, dear. This is so hard! Finding out about my missed miscarriage was harder on me than experiencing my first. You’ll be in my prayers!
Thanks so much, that means a lot to me.
I am so sorry for your loss! I am new to your blog, but I wanted to send out prayers and hugs.
Thank you for coming over! Thanks for your condolences. Best of luck with your IUI.
I’m so sorry. I’ve had a similar experience. Baby was supposed to be 10 weeks but we saw an 8 week baby with no heartbeat. I wish you strength and courage this week and in the weeks to come.
Thanks so much! Your success after so much disappointment is an inspiration.
I am so sorry. Hugs
Thank you so much. Totally relate to your comment about being glad you’re not a contestant on The Bachelor, by the way…
I have a question about your picture – where is it from? I have a picture that looks remarkably similar to an inland view of the Na Pali coast of Kauai.
Yes, that’s exactly where the picture was taken! We went there for our honeymoon. I still remember the feeling of awe that I had when the cloud suddenly cleared and the sun poked through.
I have had that exact same feeling, it was a good one.
My heart aches for you guys. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
Ohhh, I’m SO sorry about your ectopic. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I’m so sorry, so many hugs hun xxx
Thanks so much!
I’ve just started following your blog and I’m so so sorry to hear this. It’s heartbreaking. My last IVF round ended with the heartbeat stopping at just before 9 weeks and a D&C at 10 weeks. I know there aren’t any words that can really help, but I am so sorry you are going through this xx
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, too. Thanks so much for the follow and the comment.
I am so sorry for your loss. xo
Thanks very much. Congrats to you and good luck on your journey!
I’m so sorry. praying for some soft of comfort. hugs
What a heartbreaking story you have, too… hugs to you and thank you for visiting.
This is so very heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for your loss
Thank you so very much!
It’s a horrible horrible feeling, but I’m crossing everything for you that your time will come soon.
Thank you, I will take as many crossed fingers as I can get! Best of luck to you with your pregnancy!
It came after 3 consecutive losses, so I know a little how you are feeling. Your time will come!
Thank you, I really really hope you’re right!
Sorry to hear this!!
Thanks.
Sending my thoughts and prayers to you. Remember to take some time out for your self !
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much.
I’m so so sorry, sending you my love xxxx
Thank you very much.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you some virtual strength as you come to terms with this terrible blow.
Thank you!