Schrodinger’s Baby Is Dead

Today’s ultrasound should’ve shown an 8 week baby with a heartbeat.  Instead, we saw a 7.5 week baby with no heartbeat.  Schrodinger’s baby is dead.

Before the appointment, we had been so careful to guard our emotions, but in the exam room, K couldn’t hide his excitement.  Seeing him like that made me want to shield him from experiencing any pain or sadness.  I, on the other hand, was expecting the worst.  When the scan started, we could both tell right away that there was no heartbeat.

This sad news comes right on the heels of AMAZING news we got this week.  According to a brand new Fragile X blood test by Assuragen, the risk of my specific Fragile X Premutation expanding into a Full Mutation is LESS THAN 1%!  This makes us feel a whole lot better about conceiving naturally, because now our chances of needing to terminate for full-blown Fragile X are very minimal.  If we’d known, we wouldn’t have bothered with PGD.

Unfortunately, this wonderful genetic news unearths new questions about why the frackety fracking frack I’ve had 3 pregnancy losses.  If not Fragile X, then what?  Well, today our RE reminded us that Fragile X prematurely depletes a Carrier’s ovarian reserve, so my eggs are crap.  “Your healthy 36-year-old body has the eggs of a 43-year-old,” she said.  My decrepit ovaries are probably producing embryos with a host of OTHER chromosomal/developmental problems besides Fragile X.

We have a D&E scheduled for tomorrow.  They will test the baby for chromosomal abnormalities.  Meanwhile, I have to hold it together for a quartet concert tonight (“the show must go on”).  Thank you so much, dear readers, for your support.  ❤

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66 thoughts on “Schrodinger’s Baby Is Dead

  1. My heart breaks for you.. I have been following your story, which was a lot like my third loss. We were told the odds were against us, then we saw a baby with a beautiful heartbeat. You can’t help but feel like for some reason it’s a miracle and no matter how much protecting you do..you can’t help but hope. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. Hugs.

  2. I came here through A Calm Persistence. I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I just lifted you in prayers just now. Know that I will continue to do so.

  3. Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for you. I know this pain all too well and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Sending you many hugs. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make this any better, but know you’re not alone and we are all here to support you through this difficult time. XXXXXX

  4. I’m so sorry. I’ve had a similar experience. Baby was supposed to be 10 weeks but we saw an 8 week baby with no heartbeat. I wish you strength and courage this week and in the weeks to come.

  5. I’ve just started following your blog and I’m so so sorry to hear this. It’s heartbreaking. My last IVF round ended with the heartbeat stopping at just before 9 weeks and a D&C at 10 weeks. I know there aren’t any words that can really help, but I am so sorry you are going through this xx

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