POAS Schizophrenia

Yesterday I looked for pregnancy test sticks in two different Dollar stores. They were completely OUT of pregnancy tests but had PLENTY of ovulation strips. Here’s the conversation I had in my head:

Me: Well, sh*t, why don’t they have any pregnancy tests?

Superstitious Me: Because it’s a sign that you shouldn’t test. It’s too early. You’ll jinx yourself.

Me: Should I buy these cheap ovulation tests? I might need them next month if I don’t get pregnant.

Frugal Me: Yeah, buy them here because they’re cheap. Or don’t buy any at all, because YOU’RE cheap.

Superstitious Me: Definitely buy the ovulation tests because as soon as you stock up on those, you’re guaranteed to become pregnant. It’s like carrying an umbrella to guarantee that it won’t rain.

Holistic Me: No, no, no, you can’t buy ovulation tests now! If you don’t BELIEVE that you’ll be pregnant this month, you won’t be.

Me: OK, you guys are confusing me. I’m not buying ANYTHING right now.


Today, I spontaneously decided to stop at Target.

Me: All right, there is a 3-pack of FRER and a 2-pack of store brand. Which one should I buy?

Frugal Me: No matter how many tests you buy, you’re just going to pee on the whole batch within 3 days. Get ONE box of the cheapies.

Me: But aren’t the FRERs so much more accurate? I won’t believe the store brand and I’ll just wind up going back to buy FRERs.

Superstitious Me: Buy a big box of ovulation strips! They’re cheap! Stock up now! Do it!

Holistic Me: Noooo, you must BELIEVE!

Me: OK, let me check my ovulation date again to figure out what day I should test. Oh right, I wasn’t so clear about that this month. So, Cycle Day 1… that was around Thanksgiving. But with that whole spotting thing I get before full flow, I just never know when to start counting. 1, 2, 3… all right, we’re on Day 21-ish. Only 4 days before my expected period. Wait, what’s today’s date again? Did I count from Day 1 or Ovulation? No, Cycle Day 1, dumb*ss. What day is this again?

Superstitious Me: If you take a pregnancy test, you’ll ruin your chances of being pregnant. These ovulation tests are calling your name.

Holistic Me: Just POAS already! You were totally having pregnancy nose yesterday. You made K brush his teeth twice yesterday afternoon. And you’ve been totally cranky. And you’ve craved serious carbs over the last week.

Me: I’ll buy 2 boxes of store brand tests and one FRER. No, the store brand isn’t worth the ambiguity. I’ll buy 1 box of store brand and two FRER. No, why am I bothering with store brand at all? I’ll buy 2 boxes of FRER.

Frugal Me: Which FRER is cheaper per stick, the box of two or the box of three? How about when you figure in the $1 OFF coupon on the box? And for Pete’s sake, remind the cashier to ring up that coupon; I’m totally sick of getting home and finding the coupon still stuck to the box, unused. These things matter when you buy so many d*mn tests.

Me: This seems like a good blog post.


Have a nice night, y’all. I’ll try to hold off testing until the morning. ❤

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