Get Me Off This Hamster Wheel

Sigh.

Sunday/early Monday’s spotting was very dark brown, which supported my theory that it was implantation bleeding. Plus, it was a little earlier than my period usually arrives, which is what happened with my last pregnancy/miscarriage. But the bleeding picked up and got bright red like a normal period. The multitude of HPTs have all been negative.

It’s time to accept it: I’m still not pregnant.

I’m mad at myself for getting my hopes up and embarrassed about thinking I could’ve felt implantation.

At the same time, I’ll still imagine I was pregnant for a couple of days before my body washed it out. Maybe my body knew that this child wouldn’t be healthy and nipped it in the bud. But how many unhealthy embryos must we conceive before a healthy one takes? Including the IVF cycles, we’re talking about 30-ish embryos that either had Fragile X or just didn’t live.

The image of a hamster wheel comes to mind. With every step comes the hope that maybe this time you’ll get a little closer to your destination, only to find that you haven’t moved at all. Not even a smidgen. No matter how many steps you take or how fast you take them, you only succeed in making yourself tired.

So, the cycle has begun again as of yesterday. Maybe this will be the month.

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