A long time ago my therapist had suggested writing as a way of coping with my miscarriage. I wrote down my deepest emotions in my suede-covered journal. I wrote a letter to my unborn baby expressing the hopes and dreams that I’d had for him or her. Those things do seem to help many people, but it didn’t help me that much.
During some of my IVF cycles, I coped by writing down medication dosages, shitty interactions with the insurance companies, and my body’s varying response to the hormones.
Then recently I discovered blogging. It feels different from writing in a journal. I edit and re-write practically every sentence, so I have a lot time to reflect on each idea. I attempt to clean up my rambling wordiness and often wind up clarifying my emotions in the process. Everything around me disappears when I’m focused on this, like meditation. When a post is done, I feel that I’m seeing it from a few steps away, or from the eyes of another person. I can let go.
Finding support has been an ongoing process; it’s all about searching for what I need at this very moment. Right now I need to let go of my stress and negative feelings, and I don’t need to hear what somebody else thinks I should be doing instead.